Five weeks into the 2026 season of SANDSTORM 2019 and the standings look like they were drawn out of a hat by someone three White Claws deep. The guy who scored the most points in the league is 3-2. The guy who is 4-1 is ninth in points. One team put up 52 points in a week with a full lineup, then dropped 155 two weeks later, on me, obviously. There have been 30 games, 103 waiver pickups and an unhealthy amount of group chat trash talk, and through all of it exactly one manager has been quietly beating the brakes off everybody. Here is where everyone stands, first to last, with the respect each of you has earned (very little).
The standings after Week 5
1. Karen, Cookin and Kraftin with Karen (5-0). The only woman in the league is also the only undefeated team in the league, which means eleven grown men who "watch film" on Sunday mornings are getting cooked by someone who has made four waiver moves all year. The haters will point out she's only fifth in points and has the easiest schedule in the league. The haters are 2-3. She's cookin', she's kraftin', and she's handcrafting a fresh L for each of us every week.
2. Dylan, Brown Skatt Smelly Pitts (4-1). Dylan is 4-1 while scoring fewer points than eight other teams, including a win where his whole team put up 76, which makes him the luckiest man alive and a casino's worst nightmare. The team name tells you everything you need to know about the hygiene situation.
3. Phil, Likely Overcooked the Lamb (3-2). Phil leads the league in points (616.6), biggest single week (157.6) and money burned on waivers ($62), and has the same record as the guy whose team is named after a urinary tract infection. All that work and he's the smartest guy at a Waffle House at 3 a.m.
4. Rob, Burns When I Pee (3-2). That's me. Third in points, $1 spent on waivers all season because I'm cheap, and last week I lost to the last-place team in the one week they decided to show up. My team name is also an accurate description of how that felt.
5. Sam, First Time Caller (3-2). Sam has made exactly one waiver move all season and spent $0, so either he drafted perfectly or he forgot his ESPN password in August. First time caller, long time not paying attention, somehow 3-2.
6. Aditya, Dak Shots (2-3). Second in the league in points and still 2-3, which is the fantasy football version of being hot but single. Two other guys in this league named their teams after him, which is either respect or the start of a restraining order.
7. Jonathan, Cheesy Gortiya Crunch (2-3). Jonathan named his team after Aditya, then beat Aditya by 40, which is the most emotionally confusing thing that has ever happened in this league. Two weeks later Karen beat him by 61 and nobody has heard from him since.
8. Nikolas, Etienne Diz Dak (2-3). Nikolas named his team after Travis Etienne, and Etienne is currently on his injury report along with four other players, so this isn't a roster, it's a waiting room. Two waiver moves all year and zero dollars spent fixing it. Somebody check this man's IQ score, or at least his pulse.
9. Patrick, Turd Ferguson (2-3). Named after an SNL Jeopardy joke and managed like one. Two straight losses, capped by a 68-point week against Karen. Patrick should try fantasy soccer, where nobody can tell whether you're winning anyway.
10. Sean, Bench Dont Kill My Vibe (2-3). Fourteen waiver moves and $54 spent to build a team that scored 56 points in Week 3. The bench didn't kill the vibe, Sean. The starters did, and you picked them.
11. Nick, Adityas My B*tch (1-4). Nick named his team after owning Aditya, and is 1-4 while Aditya has more wins, more points and hasn't even played him yet. Worst trash-talk return on investment in league history. To be fair, he's given up more points than anyone, so the schedule is making him its b*tch too.
12. Jason, [team name redacted by HR] (1-4). Jason's team name can't go on a website my employer can find, which is fitting, because neither should his Week 3 score (fine, it was 52). Most waiver moves in the league (20), fewest points in the league (444.6), and the only thing he's acquired is last place. Except for one week, when he dropped 155 on me, so honestly maybe I'm the real loser here.
Week 6: what's coming
Karen vs. Aditya. The undefeated queen against the man the rest of the league is weirdly obsessed with. Aditya scores a lot of points. Karen does not care.
Rob vs. Phil. Me, $1 of waiver spending, against the league's leading scorer and his $62 of panic. Pray for me.
Nikolas vs. Jason. The Toilet Bowl preview nobody asked for: one team is in the injury tent, the other is in last place, and somebody has to win.
Also on the slate: Nick vs. Patrick (combined record 3-7, combined dignity zero), Sam vs. Jonathan (will Sam log in?), and Sean vs. Dylan (can luck beat 14 waiver moves? Yes. Yes it can).
See everyone in the group chat. Karen, please be gentle.
Standings and scores are from ESPN Fantasy through Week 5. Illustrations use Twemoji graphics (CC-BY 4.0).
