Two weeks ago I posted the first update and you all loved it because I made fun of all of you, you sadistic group of football losers. A lot has happened since. Karen finally lost a game, and it was to Nick, a man whose team name is about owning Aditya. Turns out you can aim your trash talk at one person and hit someone else. Phil has won four straight. Jason has won three straight and escaped last place with a team name I still can't print. And I've lost three in a row, including one to a guy who just moved to my town and can't stand up on a snowboard. Seven weeks down, seven to go, and six teams make the playoffs. Here's the damage.
The standings after Week 7
1. Karen, Cookin and Kraftin with Karen (6-1). The queen bleeds. Nick dropped 118 on her in Week 7 for the first loss of her season, and she responded by doing absolutely nothing on the waiver wire, because she's still in first place and has still made exactly four moves all year. Reminder for the new readers (all three of you): Karen is married to Dylan, who's in third. One household is 11-3 and the other ten of us need to have a long, hard look at ourselves.
2. Phil, Likely Overcooked the Lamb (5-2). Four straight wins, the most points in the league by 63, and $66 spent on waivers. Last time I called him the smartest guy at a Waffle House at 3 a.m. He has since left the Waffle House. One of those four wins was against me, so this is as nice as this paragraph is going to get.
3. Dylan, Brown Skatt Smelly Pitts (5-2). Still ninth in points, still somehow 5-2, and now we all know the secret: he's married to Karen. Dylan didn't win a fantasy league, he married into one. In Week 9 he plays his wife, and I'd like to remind him that no fantasy win is worth where he'll be sleeping afterward.
4. Sam, First Time Caller (4-3). Sam has doubled his waiver activity since the last update, from one move to two. He's scored 746.4 points and given up 743.9, which makes him the most perfectly average man alive. First time caller, now technically a second time caller.
5. Patrick, Turd Ferguson (4-3). Two weeks ago I told Patrick to try fantasy soccer. He's won two straight since then and jumped from ninth to fifth, while still being tenth in points. I'm not saying I'm the reason. I'm just saying you're welcome.
6. Aditya, Dak Shots (3-4). Aditya just moved to Lake Tahoe, where he'll spend the winter falling off a snowboard in front of the ski-school kids. He's much better at fantasy than at standing up: second in the league in points, and in Week 7 he came into my town and beat me by 19. Enjoy it while it lasts, Aditya. I'll be filming you on the bunny hill.
7. Rob, Burns When I Pee (3-4). That's me again. Three straight losses, still third in points, still $1 spent on waivers all season, and currently out of a playoff spot because Aditya has more points than me. My team name has gone from a joke to a chronic condition. Next week I play Nikolas, who's in last place. If I lose that one, I'm deleting this blog.
8. Sean, Bench Dont Kill My Vibe (3-4). Sean has been traveling nonstop with his girlfriend, which explains the 19 waiver moves and $55 spent: the man is setting lineups from airport gates and hotel Wi-Fi, panic-adding whoever's available before boarding. He beat Dylan in Week 6, then lost to Jason, a man who refuses to pay for players. Between the plane tickets and the waiver bids, the vibe is alive. The wallet is not.
9. Jason, [still redacted by HR] (3-4). Three straight wins, starting with the one over me, and he's out of last place on a roster built entirely from free agents: 22 pickups, $0 spent. He's the guy who makes a full lunch out of Costco free samples, and somehow it's working. The team name is still unprintable, so it stays redacted.
10. Jonathan, Cheesy Gortiya Crunch (2-5). Congrats to Jonathan on the new baby, who is now the only member of his household with a better record than his fantasy team (0-0). Jonathan can't hold his liquor and, it turns out, can't hold a lead either: he lost to Dylan by 5.8 points in Week 7. In fairness, he's setting lineups at 3 a.m. between feedings, and the old two-drink maximum is now a one-drink maximum. He's sixth in points and has given up more points than anyone in the league, so even the schedule keeps buying him drinks he can't handle.
11. Nick, Adityas My B*tch (2-5). The only man alive to beat Karen, which he did by 37 points while somehow still being 2-5. He's celebrating by going heli-skiing, the only way he could possibly get higher than he was after that win. In Week 8 he finally plays Aditya, the man his team is named after. Nick, please set your lineup before you jump out of the helicopter.
12. Nikolas, Etienne Diz Dak (2-5). Last place, four straight losses and the fewest points in the league. Travis Etienne is still on his injury report, now joined by Jalen Hurts, so this is less a roster and more a hospital wing. Last time I said someone should check this man's IQ score. The results came back, and they're in last place.
Week 8: what's coming
Nick vs. Aditya. The grudge match his team name has been promising since August. One of them is about to jump out of a helicopter, the other can't make it down a beginner run, and only one of them gets to talk trash on Monday.
Rob vs. Nikolas. A must-win for me. A must-remember-to-set-your-lineup for Nikolas.
Karen vs. Sam. The queen against the most average man alive. Expect normal service to resume.
Also on the slate: Sean vs. Phil (can $55 of vibes beat $66 of panic, assuming Sean lands in time to set a lineup?), Dylan vs. Patrick (luck vs. soccer), and Jonathan vs. Jason, where one manager is running on zero sleep and the other on zero dollars.
Coming in Week 9: husband vs. wife
Karen vs. Dylan. One marriage, one matchup, one winner and one person sleeping on the couch. My money's on Karen. My advice to Dylan is to lose by exactly one point and tell her you tried really hard.
Seven weeks left and six playoff spots. See everyone in the group chat, and Nick, enjoy the helicopter.
Standings and scores are from ESPN Fantasy through Week 7. Illustrations use Twemoji graphics (CC-BY 4.0).
